


Return of the Butt Genie

by spookyawards_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: An X-File Case, Humor, M/M, Non-Explicit, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-10-01
Updated: 2003-10-01
Packaged: 2019-04-27 06:52:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14419920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyawards_archivist/pseuds/spookyawards_archivist
Summary: By RPCrazy, Scifinerdgrl, Scully3776. Mulder and Doggett go undercover to investigate the deaths of gay men.  Very silly!





	Return of the Butt Genie

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Spooky Awards](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Spooky_Awards), and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2018. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [SpookyAwards' collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/spookyawards/profile).

 

Return of the Butt Genie

## Return of the Butt Genie

### by Scifinerdgrl, Scully3776, RPCrazy

Title: Return of the Butt Genie  
Authors: Scifinerdgrl, Scully03776, RPCrazy Rating: R for violence & um... well, not for kiddies Category: XH  
Keywords: Slash, Snark, MOTW 

WARNING: If you don't like non-consensual homosexual gang bestiality, you shouldn't read this!  
Summary: Mulder and Doggett go undercover in a gay neighborhood to find out why gay men are dying 

* * *

A.D. Skinner called the newly-reinstated Mulder and his newly-reinstated partner Scully to his office. 

"Agents," he snarled. "I have a case for you. Scully, do you remember when you and Agent Doggett..." 

"Oh not HIM again," Mulder whined. "Doggett, Doggett, Doggett!" 

"Oh brother!" Scully whined. "ONE time I say that he had tighter buns than you!" 

"Well, I've called him to assist in this case," Skinner said, pulling at his necktie. He couldn't help thinking "But I have the tightest buns of all," until thinking of buns brought himself back to the task at hand. "You remember when you investigated that genie ...?" 

"Jen - EYE - ah," Mulder corrected. 

"Not that genie," Skinner said. "That other one..." 

"Oh no..." Scully slunk down in her seat. 

"What?" Mulder whined. "Were you investigating some other genie while I was gone?" 

"Yes, Mulder, I had a life while you were gone. I wasn't ALWAYS sniffing your shirts and listening to whiny CDs in my head..." Scully snapped. 

"So what's this genie like? Does it have tight buns too?" Mulder whined. 

"No, actually, it crawls into people's buns." Skinner shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "And it takes possession of their souls." 

"So what's this genie like? Does it have tight buns too?" Mulder whined. 

"No, actually, it crawls into people's buns." Skinner shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "And it takes possession of their souls." 

"Ah," Mulder said, thoughtfully rubbing his chin in the way he thought made him look intelligent when rather it made him look as if he couldn't remember if he shaved that morning or not. "Agent Doggett would be perfect for this case since he is soulless. We could draw out the butt Jen-EYE-ah and Doggett could capture him with no fear that it would crawl up his buns and suck out his soul." 

"I am NOT soulless," Doggett puffed up. 

"That's right!" Scully stood on her tippy-toes and got in Mulder's face. "He has more soul than you. He still cries for his son that was murdered in either 1993 or 1997!" 

"Yeah," Doggett said, trying to look manfully soulful. 

"He even weeps on command!" Scully added. 

"Now wait a minute," Doggett backpedaled. 

Skinner summoned all of his surly powers bring the attention of his petty little field agents back to the case at hand. "Can we discuss Doggett's soulless weeping later? We have an urgent case at hand?" 

Doggett took a seat and the others followed suit. "So what's this? That thing is back? I don't work on the X-Files anymore, sir. Kersh and your pretty-boy took care of that!" 

"You leave Follmer out of this!" Skinner snarled. Then, when he realized what he'd said, he blushed and nodded sheepishly toward Mulder. "Oh, you mean him." 

"What?" Mulder whined. "There's a new pretty boy now too?" 

"Oh brother." Scully rolled her eyes then glanced at Doggett. 

"Can we get back to the case?" Skinner snarled. 

"Whatever it is, your pretty boy and little miss 'I might have an alien baby' can handle it alone," Doggett stood and took a few steps toward the door. 

"Sit down, Agent Doggett," Skinner snarled. "I need two male agents to go undercover together on this." 

"What?" Mulder and Doggett said at the same time. 

"All the victims were gay." Skinner ahem-ed then couldn't help smirking when he saw Scully smirk. 

"Aw crap!" Doggett snorted. "We're in a slashfic!" 

* * *

"Sorry to say, yes you are," Skinner said gravely. "You'll be going undercover in Dupont Circle. Mulder, I want you to stake out the sports bar on P Street. Doggett, you cover the gay book store." 

"Well, I have to get going..." Scully started from her seat but Skinner nodded to her to sit back down. 

"Agent Scully, I want you to go over the autopsy reports. And the latest victim..." He shoved a photo of a very dead, very boyishly handsome man across the table. "I want you to do the autopsy." 

Scully sighed at the picture. "All the cute ones are gay..." 

"What?!?!" Mulder whined. 

"What?!?!" Doggett growled. 

"Yeah," Skinner said, waggling his eyebrows. 

"Um, sorry sir," Mulder said. "I never knew." 

"Knew what?" Skinner said, straightening his tie. "Now you two get out of here, get some better clothes, do something about your hair, and have a report for me in the morning!" 

As the three agents left the A.D.'s office they could hear him on the intercom. "Kim? Oh, sorry, Arlene? Tell Follmer I can see him now." 

"Now what?" Doggett said when they were in the hallway. "And what's wrong with my clothes." 

Mulder and Scully snickered. "Nothing. Brown is a good color for you, John," Scully said. 

An hour later, Scully's eyes were trained on a very tiny bone she'd found in... well, where she had been looking for the evidence of the genie. She was sure it wasn't a human bone. Could it be a genie bone? 

The Undercover Room   
J. Edgar Hoover Building   
6pm 

"You first," Mulder held the door open for Doggett to enter. 

"No, you first!" Doggett insisted. 

"I asked first, so you first!" Mulder spoke a little more forcefully. 

"I insist!" Doggett's volume was lower but more raspy. 

Both men gave each other a determined glare and then both at once said, 

"Alright then" and shoulder to shoulder got stuck in the doorway as they entered. Twisting themselves apart, they stumbled into the room to me met by loud laughter. 

"John, John, John, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder!" Agent Reyes' smile was beaming from the sight before her, two equally red faced sheepish male agents. 

"Monica, what are you doing here?" Doggett glared at Mulder before moving over to stand beside his partner as if he owned her. 

"I'm here John," she paused with an even goofier grin on her face, "at the request of AD Skinner to give you a make-over." 

"What? You don't think I look pretty enough already?" Wearing a slight smirk Mulder went to the mirror and straighten his tie. 

"Yes Mulder, if you were in an FBI pretty boy competition you'd win!" Monica consoled but gave Doggett a wink and a small pinch on the ass. Doggett had to bite his bottom lip to stop wincing and laughing at the same time. "Now men," She lifted two outfits that were conveniently lying on a nearby table. "Strip down, you have these to wear on your case." 

Maintaining her satisfied grin she shoved the outfits, still on coat hangers under their chins. 

"You're not serious!" both men repeated simultaneously. 

"Hmm," Monica stuck a knuckle in her mouth thinking and taking no notice of their reactions "Guys, I know just what to do with your hair." 

"Mulder, you first. That outfit on the left is for you." 

"I can't wear that!" Mulder whined. 

"It's just for one night, wussy," Doggett snapped. 

"Now for your hair," Monica said, taking out a purple bottle. 

"Whaddabout my hair?" Doggett snapped. "You leave my hair alone!" 

"Wussy!" Mulder shouted from the dressing room. 

Doggett sighed then let Reyes dab the purple goup into his hair. "You haven't been to Dupont Circle lately, have you?" 

"It's a tourist trap! No gays there! This whole case is..." He stopped talking when Reyes planted her lips on his. 

"We all know you're not gay, John. Just play along, and I'll be sure you get a big reward at the end of this." She winked then held up a mirror for John to check out his purple-tinted spikey hair. 

"Awwwww Mon," he groaned. 

"Now get dressed!" She shoved him toward the other dressing room, pinching his behind for good measure. 

"Mulder! You ready?" She called out. 

Mulder emerged, wearing his skin-tight designer jeans, black boots, strategically torn designer T-Shirt, and studded black leather accessories. "I feel like a fool, Agent Reyes," Mulder whined. 

"I think you look fantastic!" she said. "Now, let's try some of this on your hair..." 

Meanwhile, in the autopsy room, Scully put the bone fragment under a microscope, then flipped through an animal anatomy book. "This is like nothing I've ever seen before," she said into her microphone, although the microphone wasn't connected to anything. "It looks like... yes, it's a rodent... a small rodent... related to... OH MY GOD!" 

* * *

"A.D. Skinner, Agent Scully on line two for you. She says it's urgent," Kim-Arlene's voice said over the intercom. 

"Damn!" Skinner said, then hit the back of his head on the underside of the desk. "Follmer! Do you mind?" he said into Brad Follmer's lap. 

As if by magic, the phone appeared at Skinner's mouth. He took the hint and kept his hands where they were. "Yes, Agent Scully?" 

He squeezed the speaking end of the phone against his cheek to keep Scully from hearing Follmer's opinion of the current state of affairs. Finally, it seemed as if Scully had finally gotten to the end of her long scientific ramble. Skinner moved the phone back to his mouth then said, "WHAT?!?!?! GERBILS?!?!?!" 

* * *

While Monica applied thick, clear goup to Mulder's hair, they could hear John's groans from behind the curtain. 

"Cowboy up, Wussy!" Mulder shouted. 

Monica snickered. "He'll be fine. At least Skinner didn't send you two to the transvestite bar." 

Mulder snorted. "Thank heavens for small favors. I could _never_ dress in women's clothes! No offense, of course." 

"None taken," Monica said as she put the final touches on Mulder's hair. "What do you think?" 

Mulder took the mirror that Reyes offered him. "Very chic. If I weren't straight, I'd kiss myself." 

Monica snickered. She'd often heard fellow agents wonder if he did that very thing. But before she could make a snappy comeback, Doggett made his entrance. 

"I just don't think this will work!" Doggett said, waving his hand in the air, his wrist seemingly weakened already. "And purple just isn't my color." 

It was true. Blue suited his icy-blue eyes much more, but there was something about his lavender shirt, purple bow-tie and purple suit that sent shivers down Monica's spine. Then, with a start she realized what she'd done. She'd dressed Doggett just like Follmer! 

It was true. Blue suited his icy-blue eyes much more, but there was something about his lavender shirt, purple bow-tie and purple suit that sent shivers down Monica's spine. Then, with a start she realized what she'd done. She'd dressed Doggett just like Follmer! 

"What is it Monica?" Doggett asked her as she backed away from her creation in horror. 

"Nothing... nothing," she tried to sound innocent. "You look... slashtastic!" 

"Monica, if I told you once, I told you a thousand times, you need to stop visiting those X-Files fansites." 

"I can't help it," she whined. "Cary Elwes is so cute!" 

Just then Mulder started to sing a rousing chorus of "We're Men, MANLY Men, We're Men in Tights!" 

"Damn!" Reyes said, "I knew I forgot something! Tights would have suited you both better than slacks." 

"I'm NOT wearing tights!" Doggett shouted. "Havin' purple hair is bad enough." 

"Wuss," Mulder taunted him. 

"I'd like to see YOU in tights," Doggett grumbled. 

"So would I," Reyes said dreamily. 

"WHAT?" Doggett squawked. 

"Oh, damn, did I say that out loud? Rats, I hate it when I do that," Reyes hung her head in shame. 

"Well, then, Agent Doggett," Mulder said smugly (but then, that's not really a very descriptive adjective, since every word out of Mulder's mouth sounds smug, right? Anyway...) "Just to prove to you that I am secure in my masculinity and to appease Agent Reyes' raging... curiosity... I am going over to Scully's right now to put on a pair of her tights." 

"But Dana is so much smaller than you," Reyes said. "What if they don't fit?" 

"They do... I-I mean, they will," Mulder said, turning beat-red and fleeing the room. 

Doggett and Reyes were silent for a minute. Then Doggett asked "Should he be leaving dressed like that?" 

"I don't see the harm," Reyes couldn't get over the similarities between Doggett's and Follmer's attire. "Wanna have sex?" 

"Twist my arm." 

* * *

Mulder knocked on Scully's door, but there was no answer. One of her neighbors peaked into the hallway, then slammed his door when he saw the butch stud. 

"Damn!" Mulder muttered. "I'm hot _and_ scary!" Well, he thought... P Street was nearby and he _was_ thirsty.... 

Within an hour he was dancing with a large, hairy biker with "mom" tattooed on his left arm and "mom" tattooed on his right. They were gyrating to the intoxicating sounds of the Bee Gees when the door opened, and a silhouette of a familiar figure strode in. 

Familiar figure? Mulder thought. Since when do I know men's bodies that well. I need to see a face to recognize him, dammit. Then, the silhouette noticed Mulder's eyes on him and came toward him. When he reached the strobe black lights of the dance floor, Mulder gasped with recognition. 

"KRYCEK! What are _you_ doing here?" Mulder shrieked. 

"I show up in _every_ slashfic, thilly." Krycek grabbed Mulder by the arm, then gave his dance partner an air smooch and said, "Sorry, big boy. This bee-atch is mine." 

Meanwhile, at the book store down the street, Doggett was looking over row upon row of gay-themed books. "I had no idea there was so much published," he thought as he glanced around. 

"Can I help you find something?" said a swishy limp-wristed black man who would have reminded Doggett of the stereotyped guys in X-Cops had he ever watched the show. "Something on fashion, perhaps?" The man gave him an appraising glance from head to foot then back again. 

Doggett bristled. "Why would I want that?" he snapped. He tightened his bow tie then marched to the corner, where the books on lesbian sex techniques were shelved. 

"Hey, no offense," the man said. "Let me buy you a coffee to make it up to you." 

Doggett's marine instincts shouted "NO!" but his undercover FBI self said, "Sure." 

"Hey, Miss Thang," the man shouted to his co-worker. "I'm taking my coffee break!" The co-worker nodded, then winked when he saw Doggett following behind. 

"I wonder if Mulder's been picked up yet," Doggett mused. "I bet not. _I_ have tighter buns!" 

At Starbucks he ordered a double-mocha-latte-frappe-cinnamonstick -coffee-smoothie with an umbrella. "Good choice," his date said. "I'll have the same!" 

* * *

Deputy Director Kersh burst into Assistant Director Skinner's office. "Walt, I have a personal favor to ask." 

Skinner snapped to attention as his boss took a seat across the desk. "What is it sir?" 

Kersh leaned forward, then noticed a pair of shoes, sole-up, at the bottom of the modesty panel. "Oh hi, Follmer." 

"Hi," came the sound of Follmer's voice from under the desk. It sounded muffled, as if there were something in his mouth. 

"Anyway," Kersh said. "We have a new body, and..." Kersh broke into a sob." Bruce is missing. I think he may be..." 

Skinner passed a kleenex box across the desk to his boss. "I'm sure he's fine..." 

"No, you don't understand. We had a fight, and he stormed out last night. I think he went to Dupont Circle." 

They heard a thud from under the desk, and Follmer's unmuffled voice yelling "Ow!" 

"We'll get on it," Skinner promised. He pressed the intercom button. "Kim? .... oh, Arlene? Could you tell Scully that Kersh wants to look at the body?" He turned his attention back to his boss and smiled broadly. "All taken care of, sir." 

"Thank you," Kersh said. "Carry on." He looked down at Brad's shoes and sighed. Why were all the good ones taken? 

* * *

In the autopsy room, Scully gasped in horror. Could it be... yes it could.... gerbils.... One, two, three.... She picked up her cell phone  & dialed Mulder's cell, but there was no answer. "Dammit," she muttered, then dialed Monica's number. 

"Monica? I need your help. Have you ever heard those urban legends about gerbils and gay men?" 

"Yes," Reyes said cautiously. "Why? Does it have to do with this case?" 

"No, it's just a random curiosity of mine," Scully snapped. 

"No need to get snippy, missy," Reyes scolded. 

"Sorry, it's just that... have you ever heard of multiple gerbils?" Scully asked. 

"Oh my gawd..." Reyes gasped, then hung up on Scully. She dialed Doggett's number, but there was no answer.... 

* * *

When Doggett and his companion returned to the book store, Mulder was leaning on the counter, talking to "Miss Thing." 

"Miss Thing" was named "Willis," and he sighed heavily when his co-worker entered with Doggett. "He's such a flirt," Willis said. "Always taking off to go to Starbucks, always giving everybody his phone number... hmph!" 

"Oh, then I guess I shouldn't ask for yours," Mulder said. He'd had a devil of a time shaking Krycek loose. At first he thought Krycek might be behind the deaths, but when his cell phone rang and Scully's number appeared on its face, Krycek said, "Ignore the bee-yatch. Now that I have you here we're gonna dance like it's 1999!" 

Nope, Krycek was no gay-basher. 

Willis wrote his number on a bookmarker for Gay Pride Day, then passed it across the counter. "Call me anytime," he winked. 

"Thanks, I will," Mulder croaked. He didn't know why but he found the feel of the number in his hand both revolting and exciting. 

He walked up to Doggett, and in his lispiest voice, said, "Fancy meeting you here! I haven't seen you in AGES!" 

Willis glared at Doggett while Mulder flirted with him, then ducked into the store room, where a brown critter ran in its little wheel inside its little cage. "Benjamin, there's a slut in the store. You know what you have to do...." 

Doggett couldn't believe Mulder was interfering. And what about that bar? Was the wussy crapping out on the assignment already? 

"What?" Doggett snapped. 

"No need to get pissy, missy," Mulder snapped back. "I juthst want to thay hi." 

"Oh, hi," Doggett said, leery of Mulder's intentions. 

"Who'th your new friend?" 

"Uh, this is Dick," Doggett said. "Dick Haney." 

"Hey, listen, it was nice to meet you," said Dick, who would have had a name earlier if one of the writers had remembered to give him one. "I've got to get back to work." 

Mulder & Doggett followed Dick's gaze toward the counter, which was vacant. "Nice to meet you," Mulder said. When Dick was at his post, Mulder whispered, "You'll never guess who I met at that bar!" 

Just then, Doggett's cell phone rang. It was Monica calling. "Wait right there. Don't go anywhere!" she hissed, then hung up. 

"What was that about?" Mulder asked. 

Doggett shrugged. "Beats me. I guess keeping me & the readers in suspense is more important that actually telling me what the hell is going on." 

Mulder nodded knowingly. "Scully does that all the time." 

"Women," the two sighed simultaneously. 

When they realized what they'd said, the two men suddenly felt the need to be as far away from each other as possible. Doggett grabbed a random book and paid for it, while Mulder explored the back of the store. When he came to the door leading into the rear alley, he heard odd scratching sounds coming from the other side. He glanced at Doggett, who was busy exchanging phone numbers with Dick. 

"I'm _NOT_ a wussy," Mulder said to himself. "I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!" He clicked his heels together three times, then opened the door and went into the alley... 

He knew he shouldn't have done it the moment he did it. But it was too late. He could feel them attacking him, crawling up his legs, chewing through the leather, and going where no man had gone before... well, not before tonight's escapade with Krycek anyway. 

He swatted at them, knocking several off, but always there were more. They kept coming and coming. There seemed to be no end to them. And what they were doing, it was horrifying. It was excruciating. It was everything the urban legends said it would be. He savored the moment for a brief second, hoping he would survive to write a letter to snopes.com, but then it happened. He saw stars. He felt indescribable bliss. He fell to his knees. And as he lost consciousness, he uttered, "It's twue, it's twue!" 

In the book store, Doggett thumbed through his new copy of "It's a Man's World," until he heard the sirens out front. He dropped the book, then fished in his pocket for his ID. Rats! he thought. He'd left his ID at the office so as not to ruin his cover. 

Monica rushed in, flashing her badge. "Monica Reyes, FBI. Nobody move!" 

Two men rushed in behind her. "Animal Control. Where are they?" 

"Where are who?" Willis asked nervously. 

"You know! The gerbils!" Monica said. "Don't play stupid with us. A man's life is at stake." 

"Mulder!" Doggett cried out. He rushed to the back of the store, threw open the door, and was promptly attacked by dozens of gerbils. "Get them off me! Get them off me!" 

"You did this, didn't you?" Monica accused Willis. She didn't need any evidence. It was written all over the man's face. "Make it stop!" 

"I can't!" Willis trembled, looking toward the store room. "Only _he_ can do it, but only if he wants to!" 

The animal control officers ran to their vehicle and returned with two traps. One was empty. The other held a hissing alley cat. 

"Stop it, or we release the cat!" Monica said as she ran to Doggett's side. 

Willis said, "Okay okay, I'll get him..." He ran to the store room and brought out a cage with a red-eyed long-toothed demonic-looking gerbil. Could have been a rat, but ratboy isn't in this scene, so it's a gerbil. "Now, Benjamin... You have to tell them to stop. Tell them for Daddy, please...?" 

The red eyes glowed redder and the gerbil looked at its owner defiantly. Suddenly some of the gerbils ran to Willis and started running up his leg. "No! No! No-o-o-o-o-o!!!" Willis cried, but it was no use. He was soon crying out "Yes, yes yes-s-s-s-s-s!!!" 

Reyes stood up and stamped her feet, which caused a few of the gerbils attacking Doggett to scatter. "Well?" she asked the animal control officers. "Aren't you going to _do_ something?" 

The office holding the hissing cat put the carrier next to the devil-gerbil's aquarium, but the cat backed up against rear of its cage and started clawing to get out. 

"Oh, for Pete's sake," Monica seethed. She grabbed the empty cage then opened it and started making teensy little gerbil sounds through her teeth. She set the cage on the floor next to Doggett's feet, and all those gerbils climbed in placidly. Seeing what was happening, the animal control officers ran to their truck for more cages. Soon Benjamin realized what was happening, and released his minions from his control. 

"Why'd he do that?" the first officer asked. 

"And why now? Why not before?" the second officer asked. 

"He's afraid you'll euthanize them," Reyes answered. She pulled Doggett to his feet then squeezed his butt-cheek. "You okay?" she asked. 

He winked. "Never better!" Then they saw Mulder limping toward them. "He could use a doctor, though." 

* * *

Epilogue: Two days later 

Mulder sat gingerly on his butt-donut, looking over his files. 

"Awww it still hurts?" Scully asked. "I thought it would have healed by now." 

Mulder cleared his throat. How could he tell her about "adopting" dozens of the captured gerbils from the humane society? How could he tell her about his new "friend" at the book store? How could he tell her that he wishes she would be abducted again? "Um, yeah... Let's change the subject, okay? You know how I hate talking about my butt." 

* * *

Epilogue 2: A.D. Follmer's office 

"Here's your report, Brad," Reyes said, tossing the folder onto his desk. 

"They took Willis to the psychiatric hospital," Doggett added. "And his 'pet' is being studied at a veterinary hospital." 

"Very good, agents, you're dismissed," Follmer said with a wave of his hand. 

"Um... o-kay," Reyes said. "But we need you to sign the report so we can give it to A.D. Skinner." 

They heard a bump from the underside of the desk, then noticed a pair of upturned shoes at the bottom. Follmer cleared his throat. "That's okay, I can give it to him myself." 

Reyes and Doggett snickered on the way out, then made passionate love in the elevator because this part of the story was written by scifinerdgrl. 

**THE END**   
  


#### If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Scifinerdgrl, Scully3776, RPCrazy


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